The temptation is particularly great. “Here and there, older people are tempted to take a look at their partner’s cell phone.

The temptation is particularly great. “Here and there, older people are also tempted to take a look at their partner’s cell phone. As a rule, however, trust in the relationship increases with age.

“It’s often a huge issue at a young age. The temptation is particularly great ”

The need to rummage through your partner’s smartphone is usually preceded by the suspicion that they are hiding something. However, instead of violating the privacy of the other, the expert advises to seek a conversation with him. Whereby one should by no means fall into the house and confront the partner immediately with his suspicions. Rather, it is about articulating one’s own observations and feelings. For example by saying: “You seem so absent lately, so changed. What are you thinking about?” Maybe that’s enough to reveal the secret.

© iStockphoto.com

Not every secret is bad

On the other hand, secrets aren’t that bad. On the contrary: sometimes it is even important to have secrets. On the one hand, because they mark your own, very personal space. On the other hand, because – as absurd as it may sound at first glance – they can promote relationships. For example, when they serve to act out wishes in the mind that one would rather not convey to one’s partner. “For some people who long for an affair, the mere idea of ​​having one is enough,” explains the psychologist. The need is satisfied in the imagination without ever having to live it out in real life.

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In addition, the expert points out: “There are some things I do not want to know from my partner. You have to be pragmatic.” On the other hand, anyone who keeps secrets from their partner must be aware that there are limits here. “If I keep doing something that I keep secret from my partner, it costs me a lot of energy.” Apart from the fact that such behavior is anything but conducive to the relationship. So the question is: what is it that I am keeping secret? How many secrets do I have from my partner? And do they burden the relationship?

“A breach of trust like this is difficult to fix again”

Perhaps the suspicion that leads you to inspect your partner’s cell phone is completely unfounded. Then you have to ask yourself where the distrust comes from. “A lack of trust often has something to do with one’s own experiences,” explains the psychologist. Has there ever been an incident – in your current relationship or in a previous one – that fundamentally shook trust? This needs to be fathomed. Apart from that, however, the expert advises: “I would keep my hands off my partner’s cell phone. That is a breach of trust that is difficult to repair.”

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Do you have a question for the expert? Please write to me: vakaj.klara@news.at

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Dr. Christian Gutschi

is a clinical psychologist and health psychologist. One of his professional focuses is couple and sex therapy. In addition, he works with children and adolescents and is a lecturer at the Carinthian University of Applied Sciences for health management.

Book tip

The guide “The five languages ​​of love – How communication works in a partnership” can be found here.

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Every second Austrian cheats, men and women alike. Few of the infidelities remain secret. One often hears from those who have been betrayed that they have “felt” it. But they couldn’t be really sure – until the fraud was finally exposed. So how do you find out that the partner is lying to you? Polygraph and body language experts reveal six unmistakable signs.

1. He / she suddenly behaves very differently

Lie detectors measure all deviations from the norm – be it heart rate, breathing or blood pressure. If you want to expose your partner’s possible misdeeds, advises polygraph expert and former FBI agent Jack Trimarco, any abnormality in his normal behavior could suggest dishonesty. If you ask him, for example, where he was on Friday night and he suddenly scratches his nose, clears his throat or is breathing heavily, something is in the bush, confirms Lillian Glass, author of the book “The Body Language of Liars” to Woman’s Health Magazines.

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2. He / she overcompensates

Many know that looking down is a sign that you are lying. In order not to be exposed, some look their counterpart in the eye demonstratively, says Trimarco. The problem, or good thing about it, is that most of them overdo it with compensation and go too far to the other extreme. So if your partner stares at one of the partners – without blinking – while he / she assures you, ‘No, I haven’t slept with anyone else’, he / she might as well look at their own shoes right away.

3. He / she answers with a counter question

Old hat, but no less revealing. If you say, “Are you cheating on me” and he / she replies, “Am I cheating on you? Of course not!” does your partner do this to buy time. To come up with an excuse. He / she may do this consciously or subconsciously, but no matter how you twist and turn it, what comes next is a lie.

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4. He / she turns the tables

“When people are guilty, they tend to turn the charges against whoever made them,” says Trimarco. Your partner may claim that you are projecting past relationship fears onto him / her, that you are paranoid, or that you are likely to betray him / her yourself. “If he / she feels caught, he / she will try to distract you and put you on the defensive,” warns Glass.

5. His / her story varies

“The truth is constant, clear and easy to remember. Lies tend to change,” explains Trimarco. If you notice details of his / her story changing, or if you ask again what exactly happened at the bachelorette party and the answer is different, something is wrong.

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6. He / she swears on his mother’s grave

“Innocent people do not swear on their mothers’ graves,” assures Trimarco. “If he does this, it should look like a red flag to you.” The truth stands for itself, it does not need to be confirmed. Especially not through things that have nothing to do with the subject as such, such as mother’s grave, unborn children or God. He / she just knows that his / her evidence is thin.

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Lying is part of maintaining a relationship. And affairs can enliven the partnership. Beliefs that one would not immediately affirm. And yet: Always confronting your partner with the naked truth can sometimes do more harm than good to one another. At the same time, the relationship with entering gray areas is not automatically doomed. So how should you deal with the truth? How about loyalty? And above all: where is the limit that it is better not to cross? News.at asked the expert.

“Lies”, says the Viennese couple therapist Dr Michael Schmitz, “is part of maintaining relationships. That may sound provocative, but if we are honest we have to admit that we all lie umpteen times a day.” We say things to please someone else. We pay compliments – on looks, on behavior. It is well known that the fact that such statements do not always correspond to absolute truth is one of the venial sins. “Those are the little lies. We call them charm. And that’s okay too,” says Schmitz. Because what this is about is showing appreciation for the partner. “When I say to my wife: ‘This is a wonderful dress! You look great with it!’ Then it’s an honest feeling. It doesn’t matter whether I think the dress is beautiful or not.” In other words: if you want to show appreciation, you can also say what you don’t think.

Man – a monogamous being?

Lying is one thing. Cheat another. So what about loyalty? Schmitz said: “I don’t think that humans are biologically oriented towards monogamy.” Therefore you should be aware that there are always people outside of the partnership that you find attractive. As well as those who find themselves attractive. “Pretending that this shouldn’t happen is self-deception. And pretending that this shouldn’t happen to your partner is not just self-deception, but an attempt to subjugate him,” warns the expert.

“I don’t believe that humans are oriented towards monogamy.”

Flirting with others? Yes. But cheating?

For many, the motto is: flirting with others? Why not! To cheat on? No thanks! Because sexuality is something that you only want to share with your partner. If both of you in a relationship hold this view – fine! In reality, according to the expert, it usually looks different: Often one of the two would discover that there is seduction. And not infrequently he would succumb to them. The question would be: Do you admit it or not? “I think it’s more realistic to say that something like this can happen and then ask yourself how you deal with it than to pretend: it never happens to us.”

© Corbis Is man made for monogamy?

Why an affair can be good for the relationship

“There are people who, without thinking of an affair, flirt with others in order to experience themselves as desirable. And there are those who want more than one flirtation.” An affair can also have a positive, invigorating effect on the existing relationship. “To experience that you are attractive to others promotes self-confidence,” explains the expert. In addition, the love affair could inspire you to redesign your own relationship. Schmitz said: “There are couples who admit something like that to each other. And there are couples who say: ‘This is not for us. We would rather have a relationship in which we are sexually true to each other.’ Both is OK.”

One wants, the other doesn’t

But what if one wants to live out his sexual fantasies with other people while the other relies on 100 percent loyalty? “That’s difficult. You have to ask yourself: Has so much good happened in the relationship that I can cope with the injuries that affairs have inflicted on me?” If the injury is too great, the person affected should in any case consider whether a loyal partner would be a better fit for them. “But everyone can only judge that for themselves.” In addition, one must take into account how often the partner cheats. “If that happens all the holy times during a long-term relationship, you can put it away. If the affairs are on the agenda, however, the injury is much greater.” Until one day you ask yourself how important you are to your partner.

© Corbis Discretion is the top priority in an affair

Affair, but right

If there is actually an affair, you should definitely be discreet. So “not in a way that everyone knows, just not the partner concerned. That is humiliating and shameful,” warns Schmitz. In addition, one must not only lie, but also be able to lie. It would take a clear willingness to lie and a plausible story. Whereby one shouldn’t get caught up in contradictions. So is it okay to lie and cheat? “If you are not fundamentally monogamous in a relationship, but still do a lot for it and really want it, then you don’t always have to say everything to yourself. Then you don’t always have to observe the other person closely and ask them questions Generosity also leaves space. ” Which of course is not a free ticket for “rolling around in bed with others” as the mood takes you.

“You don’t always have to say everything to yourself, you don’t always have to watch the other closely.”

When the affair becomes a danger …

But everything has its limits, the expert knows. He advises stopping when the lover becomes a fundamental threat to the relationship. When he becomes as important as the partner himself. “It makes a difference whether you have an affair that has something light, playful and non-committal, or whether the love affair develops into a secret love that becomes a secondary relationship. It gets tricky. You can no longer do that with your partner with a clear conscience. ” Because one can assume that he forges his life concept on the basis of the relationship, while the partner may already have completely different plans in mind. “To withhold the truth from the partner here would be a serious fraud.”

No love sustains itself

Ultimately, everyone has to decide for themselves whether they want to be loyal and, conversely, how important a loyal partner is to them.

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